Do you always tell others what they want to hear?

Everyone wants to be liked. It makes us feel happy and accepted. You might think that the best way to feel happier is by pleasing everybody. It doesn’t quite work that way. While humans are social creatures, attempting to please everyone will exhaust you. You become addicted to the feeling of acceptance because you believe it validates who you are. This makes you dependent on someone else to make you feel good.

So you start monitoring yourself carefully to ensure that others always hear what they want to hear and feel pleased by what you say. You never tell them what they need to know because they might be displeased. Soon, others start expecting you to please them and you start living their image of who you are. Your desire to please everyone is beneficial to others, never you. Are you trying to be everything to everybody?

This also means that others teach you how to think and what to think about. You accept their opinions as yours without protest. Having your own opinion is seen as an anomaly rather than the norm because no one expects you to have an opinion. When someone invades your mental space, you simply reflect their views rather than thinking for yourself and deciding whether it is acceptable or not. Isn’t that a terrible form of bondage?

You start behaving like them even when you don’t want to because you are afraid that they will not value you for who you are. Will they mock or judge you? Will they hurt you? Self-doubt creeps in. Others will also expect you to be available for them because you say yes to everything. They patronize you because they can. Because you have allowed them to. Because you appear subservient. So you swallow your hurt and keep trying to please them even if you feel awful. You start losing your sense of identity.

How do you break this vicious cycle? The next time you mindlessly agree with someone, stop and ask yourself these questions: ‘Do I really want to agree? Why am I agreeing? Because I have to or because everyone else is? What do I lose by disagreeing? What is my fear?’ The answers will reveal how you can start becoming your own person and not rely on others for validation.

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You might be concerned about not being liked but the reality is that it is impossible to please everyone no matter how hard you try. Instead, focus on your well-being and on being truthful to yourself. You cannot control what others think of you so there is no point wasting any energy trying to gauge their minds.

Start by saying no to small things. Saying no doesn’t make you a bad person. Have an opinion. Take a stand on a social cause and let everyone know. Remove toxic energy from your life and focus on those with positive vibes. Instead of yearning to be part of someone’s circle, create your own and invite others to be part of it. Living in the shadow of others’ opinions will dim your voice until it disappears altogether. Never allow that to happen.

Don’t get lost in the fog of others’ beliefs and feel your way through life. Shape your mental landscape with things that you believe in and watch yourself flourish. Work on pleasing the person you most need to – yourself. The person who cares most about you is You. Thrive.