What is the best advice you can share?

Most people love giving unsolicited advice. They have definite ideas on, well, everything. They are eager to share the wisdom they have accumulated based on their subjective evaluation of life experiences. They hurl unsolicited advice at gullible victims. They invade our space, uninvited.

On the other hand, they would not relish being on the receiving end. No one does. Pontification can be annoying. Unsolicited advice givers are like little monsters, ready to pounce on us. We seem unable to shake them off. Before you judge them and mutter what horrid bores they are, look inward. Have you ever given unsolicited advice to anyone? The answer is likely yes. Hmmm… maybe this is a good place to start.

Why do we give unsolicited advice when we have abundant proof that it is unwelcome? Possibly because we assume an implied superiority – that we are somehow qualified to do so because we are somehow better. Maybe it gives us a sense of validation. What helped us will surely help another, all things being equal, right? Wrong. All things are rarely equal, and one size never fits all – never mind the intense conditioning that seeks to convince us otherwise.

Try to remember this the next time you open your mouth to share some precious nugget of wisdom. No one wants to listen to your insights on how to overcome life’s challenges. Everyone has their own way of thinking and living. Besides, no one solicited your advice in the first place.

How do we ask for advice when we need it? First, clarify what you need advice on, what your expectations are and the questions you need to ask. This needs some introspection and preparation. Then look for the person who is best qualified to guide you. This may not be your best friend or a colleague or the person you consider most successful in your orbit. Why not?

Consider these simple examples. Who would you consult if you wanted to design a house? A banker or an architect? Who would you talk to if you wanted to start a business? A successful entrepreneur or someone in a desk job (regardless of their title)? The latter might be highly intelligent, but they have no experience running their own business. They would not know about entrepreneurship or taking risks although they might believe otherwise.

This seems obvious but we rarely give it a thought. We approach someone we know because we are hesitant to step away from our familiar environment. Often, this sort of advice never helps because the person you approach might be clueless but provides superficial guidance anyway. They do not want to offend you by refusing to hear you out because they are a part of your circle.

Let us look at another example which demonstrates why we need to take advice from the right source. Many have been duped of millions by Ponzi schemes in spite of being well-informed and careful with their money. Why does this happen? They parted with their money because a friend or loved one recommended the scheme. They did not ask the right questions nor consult someone with the appropriate expertise. They did not take the time to research the scheme.

It is in your hands to assess whether someone is qualified to provide the guidance you need. Informed advice by the right person can help you make key decisions and help improve the quality of your life. This principle applies across the spectrum of advice whether it is mentoring, guidance or coaching. Absorb what is relevant to your situation and apply it to better yourself.

Consider yourself lucky if someone you approach suggests that they may not be the right person to turn to. They understand themselves enough to realize that they cannot help rather than providing cliched advice. What if you approach someone and they are reluctant to engage with you? Approach someone else who is as qualified. Getting a ‘no’ is not the end of the world.

Now let us explore the other side of the coin when someone asks us for advice. We feel flattered. What a fabulous ego boost. We jump in and tell them what works and what does not. We suggest solutions. We feel good about helping them. Unfortunately, this does not qualify as helpful or useful advice.

What does, then? First, understand why the person has approached you. Are they approaching you because you happen to be in a position of authority in their group?  Are you the only one they know to ask? Do they assume that you are an expert on the issue they seek advice on? Do you feel qualified to provide advice?

Saying ‘I don’t know’ does not come easy to many. Avoid that ego trap. A gentle refusal will help far more than any superficial ‘advice’ can. If possible, suggest a more qualified person or ways that one could approach those with more experience in a specific area.  

If you feel you can help, ask questions. What is expected of you? Where do they want to go? Are they looking for options or solutions? Often, advice is not sought with the aim of discovering a solution. Rather, people are looking for ways to take that next crucial step based on your advice.

While all these are great ways to give advice, there is one Golden Rule to remember. The best advice does not involve much talking. You can help by simply listening to someone. By that, I mean deep-down, conscious listening without judging.

Most people can gain surprising clarity when you simply listen to them. It will help them move towards a solution on their own. Listening is the best and most helpful advice you can share with others.