Why do we pursue happiness to exhaustion without quite reaching it? Are we looking for it in the wrong places?

“Be happy for this moment. This moment is your life.” – Omar Khayyam

The word pursuit is defined as running after something to catch or attack it. Or something we spend time and energy on. We seem to exhaust ourselves in the pursuit of happiness without quite ‘catching’ it. When we do ‘catch’ happiness, it is fleeting, leaving us yearning for more. And when we get whatever we think will make us happy, it provides a brief high. Then off we go, chasing the next thing, convinced that it will make us happy.

In our better moments, we reminisce about the happy past or eagerly discuss anticipated future happiness. The past is gone, never to return. We don’t know what lies ahead either, however well we plan for it. So why are the non-existent past and future always better than the happening present? How many of us accept and agree that things are going great right now?

Usually, we look to external stimuli to make us happy—a new car, bigger house, the latest gadget, a new job, more money, a promotion at work, that dream vacation… the list goes on. This is because society equates happiness with having and accumulating more. In the long term, more material, money or titles don’t seem to provide fulfillment. Why is that? Maybe because happiness isn’t about accumulating more. Maybe we can’t find it because we are looking for it in all the wrong places. Maybe we need to start looking within instead.

“Stop giving other people the power to control your happiness, your mind, and your life. If you don’t take control of yourself and your own life, someone else is bound to try.” – Roy T. Bennett

To get a greater appreciation of the present and become happier, you first need to accept that you will never be happy if your identity is tied strongly to something other than yourself. What do you value most? The person you are or the house you live in or your job or the money you have in the bank? If you don’t accept, understand, and value yourself above everything else, be prepared for a lifetime of pursuing happiness without ever discovering it.

None of us can control external circumstances or how others act. If our happiness depends on what others think of us, is it any surprise that we are unhappy? Shouldn’t we able to influence the one thing that is entirely under our control – what happens within ourselves? We’ve given someone else the power to decide how we feel about our lives. How disempowering is that?

Happiness doesn’t depend on any external conditions, it is governed by our mental attitude. – Dale Carnegie

Happiness is not something you can buy in the mall. It is not a goal although it is tempting to think of it that way. It is something that happens naturally when you value yourself and accept your life circumstances. There are some simple ways to find more joy in your daily life.

• Laugh. Life never happens the way you want it to. Once you accept this, it will be easier to handle life experiences. Laugh more. Have fun while you can. While you’re still here.
• Gratitude. Counting your blessings can make a tremendous positive difference. Volunteering is one way to appreciate all the good things life has given you. Journaling works for others. Every morning, I remember three things that I’m grateful for because it makes me feel good. Do what works for you.
• Forgiveness. Forgive yourself. No one gets it right all the time. Don’t allow others to define or diminish who you are. Be around people who value you. Absorb every experience, feel it fully, learn from it, and move forward. You can’t please everyone – no one can. Be true to yourself.
• Avoid self-poisoning. Don’t waste your time holding grudges or feeling angry at someone. This is like drinking poison and indicates that you need to be kinder to yourself. When you are angry with someone, you only hurt yourself. Besides, no one is bad. Everyone is just trying to survive, and they do what they do in the small spaces they occupy. They have their struggles too and are busy living their lives. So get busy living your life now. It is the only one you have.

What others think of me is none of my business. – Wayne Dyer

• Don’t compare yourself with others. We usually compare ourselves with someone who we perceive as having more material than us or is better in some way. No one has a perfect life. A better path to travel is to compare yourself with who you were a year ago. Are you doing a bit better now? Do you feel more comfortable in your skin now? Work on becoming the best version of yourself inside and out.
• Be screen-free. Take your eyes off that screen and look around. Be curious! Watch people go about their lives, try cooking something new, take a walk, dance to your favorite song, read a (print) book or do something that doesn’t involve a screen. Happiness is being screen-free for some time every day.
• For social media fans. If you are following social media accounts that seem to portray the perfect person or life, unfollow or mute them. They’re too good to be true and end up making you feel like your life sucks. Follow accounts with positive vibes. And lay off social media as much as possible. Who makes you feel happier – your virtual ‘friends’ or human friends?
• Visit another ‘tribe’. Ever notice how we tend to interact almost only with people who look, act, think, speak, live, and eat like us? Most people are comfortable sticking to their own ‘tribes’ and routines. A good way to visit other ‘tribes’ is to attend their celebrations, festivals or events. This is a great way to feel more positive and build new relationships too. ‘Cross-tribe visits’ will help you move out of your comfort zone, enrich your life, and make you feel more positive.

When you consider the big picture, the only reason we are unhappy is because life doesn’t happen the way we think it should. Try to go with the flow. Take time to pause, savor every experience, look around you, and appreciate your life as it unfolds every day.

To live happily is an inward power of the soul. – Marcus Aurelius