What is your true identity?

We become what we engage ourselves in for most of our waking hours. For many, that means engaging in tasks like robots, with little involvement. They make those tasks central to their lives whether it enhances their lives or not. In time, this way of living displaces all other activities and interactions – even those that might offer them more fulfillment – and becomes their identity.

What is identity? A good way to understand your identity is by defining what is not identity. Whatever you have collected or has been conferred or forced upon you by external influences along the way is not your identity. Whatever is left, beyond what is yours in the short term and free of such influences, is your true identity.

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” – Oscar Wilde

A rose, for instance, can be used to make oils, syrups, perfumes, or flavor food. The rose might change shape but its essence remains the same, doesn’t it? You can smell the rose regardless of what it might be made into. That essence which remains – unblemished and unchanging even after it is crushed, smashed, or shaped beyond recognition by others or external sources – is You, your identity. It forms the core of who you are. Following its steady light will give you the greatest fulfillment in life.

The means you adopt to satisfy your material wants should never be confused with your identity. All you attempt to do then is to try and shape your identity by force, presenting yourself in ways that will achieve your material needs. The satisfaction you derive from this is temporary and you will still be dissatisfied, searching for more. It can also lead to unnecessary grief if you happen to lose what you think of as your identity. It is yours only for a time. You would have lost it at some point anyway, however hard you cling to it.

“We are reduced to asking others what we are. We never dare to ask ourselves.” – Jean-Jacques Rousseau

How should you allow this core to blossom and develop? The answer lies in another question: What would you do when you plant a seed, hoping it would yield fruits or flowers one day or just for the joy of watching it grow? You would water it and wait, without adding unnecessary elements that might not help the seed flourish. The growth happens in time, as nature wills it, with your nurturing, focus, and patience.

Identity, too, grows under our watchful eyes and with patience. True growth starts happening only when you accept full responsibility for your identity and understand that you alone can shape it. Otherwise, your sense of identity, mutilated beyond recognition by all that you force upon it for your immediate ambitions, dies a silent death and with it, any chance of a fulfilling life.

Many gaze upon that most secret of gardens – the one that holds the key to their identities and the one that they alone can open – with longing. They determinedly ignore it, because their entire sense of who they are comes from what they hear from others. After years of being fed this information, they are scared to discover who they really are. What if they disappoint themselves?

“As long as you have a garden you have a future and as long as you have a future you are alive.” – Frances Hodgson Burnett

Start small, doing what you do with total involvement. It could be anything – household chores, listening, walking – but do it with total involvement. Renew friendships or create relationships with those who have nothing to do with your material ambitions. Choose people who like you for who you are and not for what you have or do. You will be surprised by how your perspective of life will expand. Then free up time to be by yourself – even 15 minutes a week will do – with no disturbances, screens, phones, or gadgets. Since we surround ourselves with noises all the time, silence helps us get a feel of ourselves.

When you do this consistently, you get closer to the gate of that enticing garden you wanted to enter, but hesitated to. When you do open the gate and enter your long-forgotten garden, you understand at once that everything there is working towards the enhancement of your life. It is an extraordinary place, with magical spots where you can relax and understand yourself better; a charming, wild place to get inspired and invigorated. You are free to invite whoever you want into that space, but no one can invite themselves. They can explore a part of it with you, but it can be experienced in its entirety by you alone.

“If you really have your own identity you’ll keep on doing what you think is really right for you, and you’ll also understand the next step you want to take.” – Helmut Lang

You can wander in it and find what you need. The garden changes in unusual and unexpected ways to serve you. What you thought was an immovable tree dissolves and reveals another possibility. Sunlight breaks through the darkest of woods and you learn to put your trust in the steady light in front of you. It never fails you and always leads you to a place of discovery, a place where you understand your identity and move towards a more fulfilled life.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson